14. Born Curious and in Trouble: Making Sense of Writing

In this chapter, I enter into a conversation with Rainer Maria Rilke, a German poet born in 1875. Using Rilke’s advice to Kappus and Rilke’s very personal reflections on his own writing processes as basis, I reflect on my own history of writing, my processes, and my discomfort with feelings of self-doubt when comparing myself with my peers, or worst still, when I am compared to my peers. And while I embrace this inner compulsion to write, this exhilaration and joy to be curious and reflect, the total madness of researcher rankings and quantification of outputs compels me to listen to Rilke, go deep inside me and discover that I have no choice, I must write. Like Rilke, I see my writings as “beloved possessions,” making audience responses and critical reviews a dark trap; and on the other hand, confirmations that I do get it right, sometimes. Being in conversation with Rilke allowed me to confront my demons and embrace the darkness that has become a companion; and to be in awe of life and death, and the greatness and splendour of both.